Prox•Him•ity

It’s been awhile since I last posted on Threads~Thoughts~Theology. By the end of 2024, the year itself became a Psalm 23:2 season of my life.

Growing up within the church over the last decade plus, I was always looked at as someone who “gets it.” Ironically, many leaders and pastors wouldn’t take the time to pour into me as they felt I had a good grip on Jesus and “the mission.” I was taught to always work and be in proximity (seen) in order to have the ability to walk out any of my call to ministry. If I wasn’t being seen by the pastor or other staffer, I was easily forgotten — or worse, purposely overlooked. What would happen if I had any issues to talk about? Well, I was made to believe I was the problem.

As life continued, I had this sense that hard work leads to success in ministry. In 2020, the idea was birthed in the mind of a friend to plant a church in Knoxville, TN. There was a fleeting idea I would potentially be the lead pastor of this church. After much prayers, the answer was clear after having the conversation with he and his wife: teaching pastor, not lead pastor…..phew. I was happy with this new role as I personally felt so overwhelmed, scared, and unqualified with the idea of ever being a lead pastor. So, I regulated myself to teaching pastor and helped plant a church.

From 2020 to the end of 2021, I had learned so much about myself and ministry. Planting a church was one of the scariest things I had ever walked through. It stretched and grew me in ways I wasn’t expecting. There were “good” moments.

Unfortunately, on December 29th of 2021, I left the church I helped plant with heartbreak in tow. Though it seems like a common sense truth, I learned it is extremely important who you “follow” as a lead pastor. Over time, you discover their true character and your own. Without exposing too much, I had to leave a toxic situation. It was vital to me to show God through my heart and actions that he was more important than a role of “teaching pastor” at a church. Still, I was crushed.

Now, this is where I would tell you I took the time to step back and rest from the heartache and to heal. However, two months later my wife and I were back serving in another church plant. The sense of “mission” and “getting it” drove me to work even harder for God, pushing aside pride and ego of where I thought I should be. Ministry is not about you, it’s about others. Working for God was the mission.

After three years of grinding away, 2024 snuck up and said “Hi, your wounds are still bleeding.”

How? How does serving God not help heal you?! How does trusting him not fill the gaps of your wounds?

After seeking counsel outside of church, a phrase was shared echoing revelation: “God wants your heart more than your hands.”

I was unintentionally living as a Martha instead of a Mary. The focus was working hard for God instead of sitting with him in rest, loving his presence. Can you relate?

Now, don’t get me wrong, serving is what we are called to do in some capacity. God can and will use you in ways you can’t imagine. Unfortunately, we can fall for the idea that we are valued for what we do, not who we are. Church is the easiest place to believe it as well, especially in a church where hard work and “do whatever it takes” is a value. Is the value wrong? Absolutely not! However, the lens in which you view it can steer you towards your own value being tied up in the wrong pin or person.

I was seeking God daily while serving, but I wasn’t seeking intimate moments with him. They are not the same thing. It is in those intimate moments that wounds begin to heal and the burden of serving becomes light. You are more likely to be around people when you are not bleeding all over them.

What’s absolutely crazy is how rest is the first teaching God had for his people in Genesis during the Exodus…aka at the beginning of the Bible we read today.

Picture this, you are an Israelite being regulated to your worth tied to your production in Egyptian slavery. For over 400 years, you are told “perform or die” all while wondering if God would show up and save you. Guess what, God does just that with his leader Moses at the helm. You witness a great liberation from Egypt. Now what? A desert? A wilderness? Where’s the food? We need to work to survive, right?

Here’s where things get interesting. What would the God of creation want Moses to write about while in the middle of the Exodus? Creation?! Yeah, at first glance, it’s what you would assume when you read the first chapter of Genesis. However, the Bible is an eastern book with eastern culture used to convey God’s truth.

Throughout the Bible, authors would use a literary device called a chiasmus. Upon reading the beginning of Genesis, you will notice a bunch of repeated phrases and words which are not random. The goal is for you to find the treasure within the chiasmus by first identifying the ‘bookends.’ (See pictured) The treasure would be the real teaching you would have to seek in order to understand the revelation.

So, what’s at the center of Genesis, chapter 1? With a little help from our eastern friends, it’s been discovered that the Hebrew word ‘moad’ is the treasure found in the chiasmus. What does ‘moad’ mean? Hebrew words tend to have multiple meanings based on usage. In this case, it means seasons, Holy days, or Sabbath!

God’s first teaching to his people was to tell them that after 400 years of being told one thing, it’s actual the opposite with God: You are valued for who you are, not what you do. God was inviting them to rest with him in the wilderness as he lead them to the promised land. He didn’t want their work, he wanted their heart intimately.

God wants your heart over your hands as well. He wants you to seek him in the quiet moments where nothing else matters around you. Like Mary, he wants you to sit with him first before you ever start serving him. Before the disciples ever went out to serve him, they sat with, listened, watched, learned, and prayed intimately with the savior of the world.

I have learned that proximity to people doesn’t amount to anything without proximity to Jesus first. Like Psalm 23:2 says, I was made to lie down and rest with him, enjoying the peaceful, still waters of the Holy Spirit.

Now, Jesus has refreshed my soul and as 2025 continues, I am excited to live out the rest of Psalm 23 with proximity of the One, true King, Jesus.

Will you seek him, intimately?

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Photo by Dan Kiefer on Unsplash